Many couples enter marriage believing that love alone will sustain them, that if they care deeply enough, everything else will naturally fall into place. But love, while essential, is not a shield against conflict, disappointment or the complexities of long-term commitment. The truth is, even the strongest marriages will face moments of hurt, misunderstandings and emotional distance.
What separates thriving marriages from struggling ones isn’t the absence of difficulty, but the willingness to face hard truths and work through them together. Some realities about marriage are uncomfortable to accept, yet embracing them can be the key to deeper connection, resilience and lasting happiness.
Here are two of the hardest pills to swallow — truths that, once accepted, will strengthen your marriage more than love alone ever could.
1. Your Partner Will Not Complete You — And It’s Not Their Job To
It’s a romanticized idea that one person — your partner — should be your everything: your best friend, your cheerleader and your sole source of emotional support and comfort. But relying on just one person for all your emotional needs isn’t just unrealistic — it may actually be harmful to your well-being.
In fact, a 2014 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that people who meet their emotional needs across multiple relationships — seeking different individuals for different types of support — experienced greater overall well-being than those who relied on a single or limited number of people.
Just as you wouldn’t expect one person to be your doctor, therapist and financial advisor all at once, expecting your partner to meet every emotional need can create strain, disappointment and resentment in a marriage.
A thriving marriage is one where both partners support each other while also maintaining their own sense of identity and emotional independence. It’s a delicate balance — being there for your spouse and having them be there for you without expecting them to meet every emotional need, solve every problem or fulfill every role in your life. This approach, known as “interdependence,” allows a relationship to grow from a place of mutual strength rather than emotional over-reliance.
Here’s how you can cultivate interdependence in a healthy marriage:
1. Cultivate friendships and family bonds. Different relationships serve different emotional needs. A friend may help you de-stress, a sibling may offer honest advice and a mentor may provide wisdom. Leaning on a diverse support system prevents your marriage from carrying more emotional weight than it should.
2. Maintain personal interests and goals. Losing yourself in a relationship can lead to stagnation and codependency. Engage in beloved hobbies, nurture career ambitions and spend time apart to bring fresh energy and perspectives into your marriage. Personal growth also enhances attraction, admiration and long-term compatibility.
3. Take responsibility for your own emotional regulation. Your partner can support you, but they can’t be responsible for managing your emotions. Develop self-soothing strategies, address personal insecurities and build emotional resilience so that your well-being isn’t dependent on their reassurance.
Swallowing this pill essentially means accepting that your partner is part of your emotional world, not the whole of it. A strong marriage is built on two whole individuals choosing to support each other, not complete each other.
2. Your Partner Will Hurt You — And You Will Hurt Them Too
No matter how much love exists between you, at some point in your marriage, your partner will hurt you — not because they don’t care, but because they are human. They will say the wrong thing, make a careless mistake or fail to meet your expectations. And as painful as this truth is to accept, the harder pill to swallow is this: you will hurt them too.
Many believe that love should protect them from pain, but a 2017 study by John and Julie Gottman, based on over 45 years of research on relationship stability, shows that what truly determines a couple’s success is not the absence of hurt, but how they repair and reconnect after conflict.
The Gottmans’ “Sound Relationship House Theory” highlights that lasting relationships are built on constructive conflict management, emotional repair and a deep understanding of how love evolves over time.
Here’s how you can use this theory to navigate hurt and strengthen your marriage.
1. Approach conflict as a repair opportunity, not a battleground. Gottman’s research found that couples in thriving marriages engage in constructive conflict management. This means that they don’t avoid conflict, but handle it in ways that repair rather than damage the relationship. This includes:
- Using “soft startups.” This involves initiating conversations about difficult topics in a calm, respectful and non-accusatory manner, avoiding any blame or criticism.
- Accepting influence. This involves listening to their partner’s perspective instead of reacting defensively.
- Making repair attempts. This involves small gestures like humor, affection or acknowledging their feelings to de-escalate tension.
Navigating disagreements with emotional repair in mind prevents resentment from taking root and allows love to deepen, even after conflict.
2. Understand that love evolves through phases. Another key insight from their research is that love is not static, it evolves through different stages, and couples who understand this can navigate hurt with more patience and perspective.
The stages are as follows:
- Phase 1: Romantic love. The honeymoon phase, where passion and excitement are high. Small hurts may feel insignificant, as positive emotions override them.
- Phase 2: Building a life together. As responsibilities grow, so do challenges. This is when couples experience real conflicts and must learn to repair and adapt.
- Phase 3: Mature, lasting love. A deeper, more stable form of love emerges, based on trust, shared history and emotional security rather than just passion.
Understanding these phases helps couples see past temporary conflicts and focus on long-term connection. It helps them recognize that what feels painful in the moment is often just a natural part of growth.
3. Strengthen emotional bonds by acknowledging primary emotions. One reason hurt feels so profound in relationships is that primary emotions — like fear, sadness and the need for connection — drive our reactions. When your partner lashes out or withdraws, their reaction often stems from deeper emotional needs rather than just the surface-level conflict.
To encourage deeper connection in this emotional climate, try the following:
- Look beyond anger or frustration. Ask yourself, “What is my partner really feeling?”
- Respond with empathy rather than defensiveness. It’s essential to acknowledge the hurt before trying to fix the problem or defend yourself.
- Reaffirm emotional security. This involves expressing love, appreciation and commitment, even in difficult moments.
Marriage requires a willingness to repair. If you expect a relationship where hurt never occurs, you may spend more time feeling betrayed than building deeper trust. Swallowing this pill means accepting that love isn’t about avoiding pain, but about learning how to mend and grow through it.
Understanding these realities can make the difference between a fragile relationship and a resilient one. Take the science-backed Belief In Marital Myths Scale to uncover any misconceptions that might be shaping your expectations in love.
