Many of us fear true intimacy while simultaneously dreading loneliness. This emotional paradox often leads people to form what’s called a “fantasy bond”—an illusion of connection that allows them to feel close while keeping emotional distance intact.
The fantasy bond acts as a defense mechanism: it offers a false sense of safety and security, but it ultimately prevents genuine intimacy from taking root. This pattern stems from our early experiences and compels us to recreate defensive relationship dynamics that we learned in childhood.
Over time, this behavior keeps us from experiencing the fullness of love and intimacy. While we may feel superficially connected, emotional distance will eventually breed—leaving us feeling misunderstood or unfulfilled in our relationships. Without recognizing the fantasy bond and the role it plays in our relationships, we risk remaining stuck in a cycle of shallow connections.
Here are two ways fantasy bonding can hurt your relationship.
1. Avoiding Real Conflict And Maintaining Surface-Level Harmony
In a fantasy bond, both partners may avoid real conflict in order to maintain the illusion of connection and emotional safety. They may sweep problems under the rug or settle into a passive pattern of coexistence rather than addressing underlying issues.
While avoiding conflict might seemingly preserve harmony, 2002 research published in The International Journal of Conflict Management suggests that it can have different effects depending on the strength of the relationship.
For relationships with a solid foundation of trust and respect, avoiding conflict can temporarily maintain peace and productivity. However, in weaker or more fragile relationships, this avoidance is often counterproductive, as unresolved issues can fester and cause further damage.
In the context of a fantasy bond—where emotional distance and defensiveness are already at play—this avoidance of real conflict prevents healthy communication and resolution of issues that could otherwise strengthen the relationship. Over time, it reinforces the illusion of closeness while keeping genuine intimacy out of reach.
Although it may seem counterintuitive, choosing to avoid conflict prevents healthy communication and resolution of issues that could otherwise strengthen the relationship. In order to resolve conflict effectively, try using a different approach:
- Problem-solving mindset. Learn to approach disagreements with a problem-solving mindset rather than defensiveness. Techniques such as active listening, expressing feelings using “I” statements and finding compromises can help resolve issues while maintaining connection.
- Expressing anger. Despite what you might think, expressing your anger—both towards oneself and one’s partner—can be transformative in breaking the barriers to genuine intimacy. These emotions, often rooted in unresolved past experiences, are common in relationships where a fantasy bond exists.
- Embracing vulnerability. Expressing emotions requires vulnerability, which is often challenging but necessary for authentic connection. Partners must feel safe enough to express their emotions without fear of judgment or retaliation.
Research published in 2022 in found that by embracing vulnerability, couples can break away from unhelpful and habitual patterns of interaction. Instead, they can build their relationship with conscious efforts and intentions, leading to healthier and more fulfilling connections.
2. Loss Of Individual Identity
In a fantasy bond, there is a tendency for partners to lose sight of their own identities in favor of creating the illusion of an ideal relationship. This occurs when individuals begin to merge their sense of self with the relationship. In turn, they neglect their personal desires, interests and growth in favor of shared ones.
For example, one partner might suppress their own needs or passions in an attempt to please the other or avoid conflict. In time, repressing their desires will result in a sense of disconnection from their true self. In severe cases, this dynamic can even breed a sense of dependency—where one or both partners feel they need the relationship to feel complete or validated.
When partners fail to nurture their own individual growth and personal aspirations, it creates an imbalance in the relationship. One of the most noticeable signs of such codependency is when individuals start to speak as a unit—using “we” instead of “I” or “me.”
This shift from individual to collective identity can make it difficult to maintain a sense of personal autonomy and self-expression. When a partner is addressed or a decision is required, they may instinctively step in and answer on behalf of the other. Ultimately, this makes the line between their personal needs and shared needs difficult to discern.
According to 2015 research published in the Journal of Family Issues, marriage and cohabitation cause both public (collective) and private aspects of identity to shift, turning the focus from “I” to “we.” In other words, the individual’s self-perception—as well as how they’re perceived by others—are transformed as they adapt to their new role within a partnership.
The interviews conducted within the study show that people undergo a “dual change:”
- How they view themselves. They might see their identity more as part of a couple or a shared entity rather than as an individual.
- How others perceive them. Society and their social circles expect them to act according to their new marital or cohabiting status, which can shape how they present themselves in public.
However, couples can make an effort to engage in individual development activities (e.g., pursuing personal hobbies or goals) while also setting aside time to create shared experiences that reflect both identities. This way, the transition from “I” to “we” doesn’t have to entail the complete erasure of individuality.
Finding The Origins Of The Fantasy Bond
If you’re concerned about being part of a fantasy bond, it’s essential to observe signs such as emotional distance, routine-driven interactions and a lack of deep emotional engagement. This introspective process can be uncomfortable, but open and reflective conversations between both partners is necessary. Once both partners honestly assess their connection, identifying any harmful shared fantasies becomes much easier.
Most importantly, couples should place their focus on the origins of the fantasy bond. Specifically, this involves examining past experiences—including childhood dynamics, previous relationships and individual insecurities—that may have influenced the creation of an idealized connection. However, therapy and self-reflection is the ideal solution to uncovering these origins —as it also offers a pathway to breaking free from the constraints of the fantasy bond.
Is your relationship based on an unrealistic shared fantasy? Take this science-backed test to find out if you’re truly satisfied with it: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
