Finding lasting love isn’t just about timing or luck—it’s also about how we approach dating. Our expectations, habits and underlying beliefs shape the way we form connections, sometimes without us even realizing it. While some dating patterns can lead to meaningful relationships, others may create obstacles that prevent us from finding the right partner.
In her book How to Not Die Alone, behavioral scientist and dating coach Logan Ury breaks down common psychological traps people fall into while dating. She identifies three distinct “dating personality” types—each with their own dating mindset, challenges and potential for growth.
Here are the three dating personality types and why they often get in their own way, according to Ury.
1. The Romanticizer
Romanticizers view love as something magical—effortless, destined and meant to fall into place naturally. They dream of finding their perfect soulmate, someone who completes them without the need for hard work or compromise.
This perspective is often rooted in destiny beliefs—the idea that relationships either succeed because they are “meant to be” or fail because they were never meant to last. People with these beliefs tend to view early challenges as signs that they haven’t found “the one,” rather than using them as opportunities for growth.
A 2018 study on relationship beliefs published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that those who strongly believe in destiny are less likely to experience “self-expansion”—the personal and shared growth that comes from learning from new experiences, evolving through challenges and deepening our relationships with others.
As a result, their relationships may lack the same level of fulfillment as those who possess “growth beliefs” and view love as something that can be nurtured over time. Because romanticizers idealize love, they may give up too easily when difficulties arise, struggling to accept that healthy relationships require effort, patience and compromise.
Shifting the focus from fairy-tale romance to a more realistic, effort-based approach to love can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections. Instead of expecting perfection, embracing love as a journey of shared growth, open communication and mutual understanding can help build a lasting connection.
2. The Maximizer
Some people approach love with a maximizing mindset—constantly searching for the “best” partner, fearing they might settle for less. This way of thinking, often reflected in consumer choices that prioritize the “best buy,” also spills over into relationships.
Maximizers are always searching for a “better” partner, constantly wondering if there’s someone smarter, more attractive or more successful out there. This mindset prevents them from fully investing in their current relationships.
Due to their fear of settling, maximizers may also struggle with commitment. They often find themselves in a cycle of dissatisfaction and regret, always looking for the next best thing. Since they fixate on comparisons and the idea of an “ideal” partner, they may struggle to appreciate the unique qualities of the person they’re with.
However, no partner will ever be completely perfect. True fulfillment in relationships comes from valuing and nurturing what you have, rather than endlessly searching for something better.
By shifting from an ideal-seeking to a growth-focused approach, maximizers can build deeper, more satisfying connections—ones based on appreciation rather than comparison.
3. The Hesitator
Hesitators believe they must “become ready” before entering the dating world, often delaying relationships until they feel fully prepared. They often feel unworthy of love until they improve themselves, whether that means advancing in their career, working on personal growth or achieving an arbitrary milestone.
By continuously postponing dating, hesitators miss valuable opportunities to connect with others. They often remain stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and hesitation. For a hesitator, it’s important to realize that they are worthy of love as they are, and that growth can also happen within relationships, not just before them.
Waiting for the “perfect” moment to start dating may mean waiting forever. Taking small steps toward dating and being open to new experiences can help break the cycle of hesitation.
Recognizing your dating personality allows you to gain insight into patterns that may be shaping your love life in ways you don’t intend. Whether you’re a Romanticizer chasing an idealized version of love, a Maximizer always searching for something better or a Hesitator waiting for the perfect moment, the key to lasting connection isn’t found in perfection, but in growth.
Love isn’t meant to be effortless, nor is it about finding your “perfect” match. It’s about showing up, choosing to invest in a relationship and allowing both yourself and your partner the space to evolve together.
If you see yourself in one of these dating personalities, consider this an opportunity—not a limitation. Instead of searching for love that fits a predetermined mold, allow yourself to experience love as it unfolds, with openness, curiosity and a willingness to grow.
Do you feel content in your relationship or do you find yourself yearning for more? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
