Jealousy can be a quiet disruptor in relationships. It often starts as a fleeting thought—an uneasy feeling when your partner talks about someone else or a sudden need for reassurance. But when left unchecked, it doesn’t just stay in your mind; it seeps into your actions, changing the way you communicate, react and connect.
What makes jealousy tricky is that it doesn’t always show up as obvious possessiveness. Sometimes, it disguises itself as more subtle behaviors—overanalyzing a partner’s words, feeling resentful over small issues or comparing yourself to others. It can make you see problems that aren’t really there or lead you to act in ways that create tension.
Contrary to what you may think, jealousy isn’t actually about your partner—it’s concerned with how you perceive yourself in the relationship. Recognizing this can be a life-changing. The key isn’t to suppress jealousy but to understand it, so that it doesn’t control your actions.
Here are three common jealousy-driven behaviors, according to research, that may be pushing your partner away.
1. Trying To Make Your Partner Jealous
Some individuals might respond to jealousy by trying to trigger it in their partner—flirting with others, bringing up past relationships or exaggerating attention from someone else. This behavior is often an attempt to feel desired, test a partner’s commitment or regain a sense of control in the relationship.
While it might seem harmless or even playful at first, trying to induce jealousy in your partner can backfire.
A 2024 study published in The Journal of Sex Research explores how receiving attention from others can affect a relationship, specifically when one partner is the target of flirting or admiration from someone outside the relationship.
Researchers conducted three experiments and found that when people saw their partners receiving unexpected attention from someone else, they felt less attracted to them and became less invested in the relationship. Instead of strengthening their bond, their behavior only resulted in further emotional distance.
It’s natural to feel threatened by the idea that your partner could leave them for someone else. As such, rather than trying to be more affectionate or prove their worth, it’s more likely that they’ll react by withdrawing emotionally to protect themselves from possible rejection.
Researchers suggest that trying to make a partner jealous by seeking attention from others is more likely to damage the relationship than to make them appreciate you more. It can make them feel insecure, or even push them away.
Rather than resorting to mind games, a healthier approach is to communicate openly. If you’re feeling uncertain or need more reassurance, expressing those feelings directly can strengthen trust rather than erode it.
2. Giving Them Passive-Aggressive Responses
When jealousy arises, some people may struggle to express their feelings directly. Instead of having an open conversation, they might resort to passive-aggressive behaviors, which can create emotional distance in a relationship. These behaviors may include:
- Making sarcastic or pointed remarks. Instead of stating your concerns outright, you might bitterly say things like, “Oh, I guess you had such a great time with them.” Subtle jabs like these may mask your jealousy, but they also leave your partner feeling confused or defensive.
- Giving them the silent treatment or acting cold. Rather than addressing the issue, it might feel easier to distance yourself emotionally from your partner. However, this only makes them feel shut out and unsure of what went wrong.
- Subtly criticizing their choices or actions. You may disguise your jealousy as casual remarks or “jokes”—about their friends, their plans or their choices in general. Ultimately, these serve put your partner down, which will reduce trust and intimacy over time.
Additionally, research published in Current Opinion in Psychology highlights that effective communication during conflicts depends on three key factors:
- How the conflict is expressed. Is it direct (openly discussing the issue) or indirect (passive-aggressive hints)? Is it cooperative (trying to find a solution together) or oppositional (blaming or attacking)?
- How communication impacts the relationship. Does it motivate both partners to work on the issue, or does it create more distance and frustration?
- The situation itself. Some conflicts require firm, direct discussions, while others might be better handled with kindness, patience and reassurance.
The study challenges the common idea that conflict is always harmful and that being soft and forgiving is always beneficial. Instead, it shows that direct confrontation can be helpful when real changes are needed, but can be damaging if one or both partners feel insecure or unready to change.
When jealousy arises, direct and honest communication is necessary to address underlying insecurities and relationship concerns. Passive-aggressive responses may feel like a safer alternative to direct conflict, but they rarely resolve the issue.
The key is balance: expressing jealousy openly without hostility and ensuring that communication matches the seriousness of the issue. When jealousy is left unspoken or expressed indirectly, it derails trust by pushing partners further apart—rather than encouraging understanding and closeness.
3. Engaging In Controlling Or Clingy Behaviors
When jealousy takes over, you might find yourself trying to hold on to your partner in ways that feel protective, but which inadvertently push them away. Maybe you constantly check in, ask for reassurance or feel uneasy when they spend time with others. Without realizing it, you could be crossing the line from love into control.
It’s natural to want security in your relationship, but controlling behaviors often stem from fear rather than trust. A 2024 study published in Evolutionary Psychology explored how people react when they perceive a threat to their relationship.
The findings revealed that jealousy can drive both positive and negative mate retention strategies—some meant to strengthen the bond, and others rooted in insecurity and control.
The study identifies two main types of strategies:
1. Benefit-provisioning behaviors. These behaviors involve making a partner feel valued and appreciated to strengthen the relationship. They include:
- Increased affection and attentiveness. Being extra loving, giving compliments or planning special dates.
- Displaying commitment and generosity. Making sacrifices for the partner or providing emotional and financial support.
- Enhancing personal attractiveness. Dressing well or improving one’s appearance to maintain desirability.
2. Cost-inflicting behaviors. These behaviors focus on limiting a partner’s choices or making them feel guilty to prevent them from straying. Examples include:
- Monitoring or restricting their actions. Checking their phone, tracking their whereabouts or discouraging certain friendships.
- Using guilt or emotional pressure. Saying things like, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that.”
- Acting possessive or making threats. Expressing jealousy through anger, ultimatums or even subtle intimidation.
Both benefit-provisioning and cost-inflicting strategies are merely different forms of manipulation. One uses affection and generosity to secure a partner’s loyalty, while the other relies on guilt, control or intimidation.
Even seemingly positive actions, like increased attentiveness or gift-giving, can become a way to manage a partner’s behavior rather than a genuine expression of love. A healthy relationship shouldn’t be about strongly influencing someone to stay; partnership means choosing each other freely, without pressure or fear.
Use Jealousy As A Mirror, Not A Master
Jealousy isn’t the enemy of love—it’s a signal. It holds up a mirror to your fears and unspoken needs. Instead of letting it dictate your actions, use it as an opportunity for self-reflection. What is your jealousy trying to tell you? Are you afraid of losing someone, or are you struggling to feel secure within yourself?
The strongest relationships are built on a bedrock of trust and emotional security. The next time jealousy creeps in, pause. Instead of reacting impulsively, ask yourself: Am I acting out of fear, or am I showing up with love? Because real and lasting love chooses honesty over mind games, confidence over control and connection over competition.
Could jealousy be shaping your actions more than you think? Take this science-backed test to find out: Behavioral Jealousy Scale
