There was a time when friendships seemed to come naturally. Growing up, schooling provides abundant opportunities to meet like-minded people and engage in shared activities.
But, as we age, a lot of those friendships dissolve. People become busy with their own journey — finding love, switching careers, moving countries or even growing into different people. In the midst of these changes, it’s easy to lose contact.
That doesn’t, however, diminish the value of having great friends in our lives. If anything, it makes it all the more urgent. Many people report feeling unexpectedly lonely in their adult years and yearn for the supportive social circle that once came so easily.
Here’s why making friends as an adult feels so lonely, and how to turn it around.
1. Waiting On Others To Make The First Move
It’s natural to think others will approach you simply due to the proximity between you, whether it’s at work, the gym or any other social setting. Many people experience fewer reservations in approaching others when they’re younger, but as adults, they tend to be more guarded.
This is where spontaneity can make all the difference. Simply having an intention to reach out to people you think will get along with you pushes you on the path to creating great friendships. In fact, casual conversations with a random stranger or acquaintances create innumerable positive mental health outcomes.
“I was surprised to learn that even casual, ordinary interactions with people we don’t know matter for our well-being. These seemingly mundane interactions while out and about are actually what make us feel a part of society and give us a sense of belonging,” says Taylor West, lead author of a 2024 study in The Journal of Positive Psychology that tested a new micro-intervention to improve the quality of everyday interactions with acquaintances and strangers.
West and colleagues also discovered that the quality of people’s interactions with strangers and acquaintances was linked to reduced loneliness and improved mental health, on par with the benefits of close relationships.
If you’re an introvert or someone who finds it difficult to put themselves out there, here’s how you can intentionally seek out friends by starting small:
- Go to places where your potential friends hang out regularly. It could be a club with the same hobbies, such as a reading club, pottery, gym or even community events. The key is to put yourself out there.
- Start conversations, learn their stories and show positivity, interest and enthusiasm. When you genuinely show curiosity and commit to learning about someone, they tend to engage back.
- As these initial encounters accumulate, invite people to meet outside the original setting — for a coffee, a walk or a casual outing — transitioning from acquaintances into friendships.
The more often you show up in the same places and intentionally choose to make these small connections, the more your presence feels familiar and in time, that familiarity helps friendships naturally grow.
2. Being Too Rigid About Connection
You can’t hold friends to the same standards you had growing up. As adults, schedules are packed and priorities shift. Instead of needing constant contact, focus on being flexible and showing up in ways that prove you care over the long run.
We’ve all been there, finding ourselves making plans or planning trips to catch up, but ending up sleeping in on the weekend instead. But even simple, consistent care goes a long way in keeping adult friendships refreshing and meaningful, whether it’s in the form of sharing cat reels, chatting on call every once in a while or simply checking in when they cross your mind.
A 2023 systematic review published in Frontiers in Psychology found that the quality of friendships and spending time with friends are strong predictors of well-being.
Other factors also matter, like having more friends, friends reacting positively when you share good news, friends supporting your independence and the ongoing effort you put into maintaining the bond.
These effects are partly explained by how friendships make us feel unique, valued, energized and able to meet our basic psychological needs.
When it comes to maintaining adult friendships, a thoughtful, consistent presence matters more than always having to meet or talk every day.
3. Trying To Control What You Can’t
One of the major reasons adult friendships feel lonely is that you carry quiet expectations. You expect them to respond right away, to always include you and to show up exactly how you would. And when those expectations aren’t met, the disappointment casts a shadow over the friendship.
But reality hits different; you can’t dictate how another person shows up. The more you attach your own sense of connection to their actions, the more helpless you are.
A 2022 study published in Advances in Life Course Research found that as people age, their friendships tend to become more homogeneous — friends are more similar in terms of gender and education, even if age similarity doesn’t change. We naturally gravitate toward certain kinds of people over our life course, but expecting every friend to mirror us perfectly only sets us up for disappointment.
Adult friendships bloom when we turn those expectations inward. Rather than expecting your friends to meet every need or reflect every effort, consider how you prefer to approach them — initiating a kind message, inviting them out when you’re able to or simply allowing for the fact that sometimes life gets in the way.
While friendships should never be one-sided, they do thrive when we offer each other some grace. In letting go of strict expectations, you create the space for genuine connection. By focusing on being present and embracing the ebb and flow of adult friendships, you invite richer, more fulfilling bonds that can weather life’s inevitable changes.
How connected or isolated have you been feeling in your friendships? Take this science-backed test to find out: Social Connectedness Scale
