“If you’re too busy for date night, you’re too busy.” These are the words of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers, therapists and marriage counselors. While they suggest there are multiple factors that contribute to a thriving marriage, they place particular emphasis on the role of date nights.
According to their 2019 novel, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, there are eight conversation-focused dates that every couple should have in their relationship; in fact, they consider them essential. As they explain, “And the big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.”
Here’s a breakdown of the first four dates, including their suggestions on how to plan them out.
1. Lean On Me—Trust And Commitment
The first date should be focused on trust and commitment. They emphasize the importance of this date by reminding us that “In a relationship, commitment is a choice we make every single day, over and over again,” and that we should continue to “choose it even when we are tired and overworked and stressed out.”
- Suggestions. One partner should plan this date to surprise the other, simply saying, “Trust me.” You could even take it a step further by blindfolding them, and physically guide them to the location.
- Location. The Gottmans recommend the in-charge partner to “find an elevated location with a great view,” where both can sit while having a conversation. “If possible,” they say, “make this first date location somewhere that is meaningful to your love story.”
- Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to discuss what trust and commitment looks like in your relationship. How can you make each other feel safe? What are the agreements you share in your relationship about trust and commitment? Think about what trust looked like in your families of origin, and compare it to what it looks like in your relationship—even in the small ways you show it to each other.
- What to bring/prepare. The Gottmans recommend couples to bring an open mind. Avoid blaming each other during tough parts of the conversation; remember to ask questions, to be honest and to see one another’s differences as opportunities to learn more about each other.
- Post-date affirmations. After your date, take turns reading this affirmation to one another—maintaining full eye-contact: “I commit to choosing you each and every day and to showing you that our relationship is a priority. I also commit to having seven more dates and conversations.”
2. Agree To Disagree—Addressing Conflict
The second date should be focused on how you, as partners, address conflict in your relationship. While this may seem like an unusual date, the Gottmans advise discussing conflict management outside of actual fights, “as the best time to discuss conflict is not in the middle of a heated argument.”
- Suggestions. The partner that wasn’t in charge of the first date should be responsible for the second date. Preferably, this date should be during a time where neither partner is tired or low on energy; you’ll want to be in the best mood possible, and ready to face whatever comes up head-on.
- Location. Host this date in an area in which you’ll have privacy, like your favorite park bench, a secluded area of a beach or even just in your backyard. A great suggestion from the Gottmans, however, is to have this date during a walk; even if the conversation gets stuck, you’ll have to keep moving. Ideally, the date should happen in a spot you both associate with happy memories.
- Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to do a deep dive on the ways that conflict is managed in your relationship. How do you both differ in this regard, and how are you similar? How do you negotiate these differences?
- What to bring/prepare. Be ready to discuss the aforementioned differences—without judgment or regret. Importantly, don’t avoid whatever conflict might arise; power through it, communicate unconditional acceptance of one another and do your best to recognize when a problem is or isn’t solvable.
- Post-date affirmations. After your second date, take turns to read this promise to one another: “I commit to accepting you completely and embracing our differences. When we have conflict, I’ll seek to understand your feelings and point of view about the issue, and will manage our conflict as skillfully as possible. When regrettable incidents happen, I’ll seek to repair the damage through the process we have discussed.”
3. Let’s Get It On—Sex And Intimacy
Your third date is where you’ll focus on the state of sex and intimacy within your relationships. As the Gottmans explain, “We all want to keep our relationship passionate and connected, and there are ways to both create and destroy your connection that all take place out of the bedroom.” They note, however, that “What’s most important is not to let sex become the last item on a very long to-do list, the final obligation you turn to when you’re both exhausted.”
- Suggestions. Both partners can take the reins on this date, as the goal is for it to be as “romantic and seductive as possible.” Sexiness, as the Gottmans explain, is key here; tell each other exactly what to wear, or you could even go so far as to lay each other’s outfit out for one another.
- Location. This date should involve a candlelit dinner; it could be at your favorite restaurant, or (perhaps a better suggestion) somewhere much more private. The Gottmans suggest locations “such as a cove in a beach or a hidden corner of a public garden.” A physical aspect to the date—such as a dance class, some yoga or stretches—can also be a great way to prompt yourselves to get in tune with your bodies.
- Conversation topic. This date should center around all things intimacy, romance, fantasy and sex related. What do you both envision and want sex to look like in your relationship? What rituals (whether sexual or generally intimacy-related) do you like, dislike or hope to start? Is sex something you’re comfortable discussing—and if so, why or why not? How can you work together to enhance passion and closeness in your partnership?
- What to bring/prepare. You’ll both have to be brave, vulnerable and open-minded for this one. Remember to be as specific as possible in conveying your likes and dislikes, avoid comparing your current sex life to past ones, and to always be open-minded when you’re both discussing turn-ons and -offs.
- Post-date affirmations. Conclude this date by taking turns to read this affirmation out loud to one another: “I commit to creating our own romantic rituals for connection, and creating more passion outside of the bedroom by expressing my affection and love for you. I commit to having a 6-second kiss every time we say goodbye or hello to each other for the next week. I commit to discussing, exploring and renewing our sexual relationship.”
4. The Cost Of Love—Work And Money
“Work can take up nearly as much of our time, energy and ability to commit as our relationship,” explain the Gottmans—which is why it’s important to focus on this topic during your fourth date. “In fact,” they continue, “work can often be the ‘third party’ in a relationship.” Thus, thoroughly discussing career and finances is nearly, if not as, important as talking about commitment, trust, conflict and sex.
- Suggestions. The Gottmans suggest spending as little money as possible for this date, if any at all. Sweetly, they recommend couples to consider what their dates looked like before coming into wealth or money.
- Location. As they explain, “You should go to any place that makes you feel comfortable, wealthy or rich in some way, however you define those things.” This could be the lobby of a 5-star hotel, or it could be a blanket on the floor of your living-room. The key here is to be creative. “Discuss the questions over lunch at home from your favorite take-out restaurant,” is another suggestion they make; “Dress thoughtfully. Use the good china. Pamper yourselves with at-home luxury.”
- Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to explore the many ways you both bring value to the relationship. What does it mean to “have enough money” for both of you? What are your histories with work and money? What contributions to the relationship (paid or unpaid) do you appreciate about one another? How do you both feel about work, and the ways it impacts your relationship?
- What to bring/prepare. Note that this date should not be a conversation about numbers; come prepared to discuss what money means for you both, not the state of your finances. Refrain from minimizing one another’s work stress or values regarding money, and remember to allow yourselves to dream big in this regard. Importantly, be honest about your respective do’s, don’ts and must’s when it comes to wealth and finances.
- Post-date affirmations. End this date off by reading this affirmation to one another: “I commit to respecting your values around money and work, and working together toward a shared financial goal.”
Are date nights a thing of the past in your relationship? Take this science-backed test and find out if it’s cause for concern: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
