Michelangelo once famously shared the sentiment that he didn’t create his sculptures, but merely uncovered the masterpiece hidden within the marble. What if relationships worked the same way? What if, instead of trying to “fix” or “change” your partner, you focused on helping them uncover their best, most authentic self—the masterpiece they already are?
In many relationships, there’s an unconscious tug-of-war between shaping our partner into who we think they should be and accepting them for who they are. But the “Michelangelo effect” suggests there’s a third, more fulfilling path—collaboration, support and mutual empowerment.
It’s not about control or imposing your ideals. It’s more about believing in your partner’s potential, recognizing their dreams and helping them achieve their aspirations in a way that feels natural and authentic.
Research published in Current Directions in Psychological Science found that partners in close relationships actively shape each other’s traits, skills and even their ability to pursue personal goals. When partners affirm and encourage each other’s ideal-self aspirations, it results in numerous benefits, including personal growth and strengthened relationship satisfaction.
This might sound lofty, but it’s achievable. Here’s how the Michelangelo effect can help you and your partner grow together and create a relationship that feels like a true work of art.
1. Spot The Potential Within The Marble
A sculptor sees endless possibilities where others might see a block of stone. In relationships, this means recognizing and celebrating the untapped potential in your partner and believing in their ability to grow and evolve with time.
Your partner might have dreams they’ve buried, strengths they don’t even realize they have or a side of them that’s just waiting to shine. Your belief in them can make all the difference. In fact, a 2017 study found that reminders of supportive relationships can encourage people to make growth-oriented choices, like prioritizing self-development over material rewards. This effect is linked to how supportive relationships boost self-confidence, which, in turn, fuels personal growth.
Here’s how you can start encouraging them:
- Be curious. Have you ever asked your partner what they wanted to be when they were a child? Or how they’d spend their time if there were no limits on what they could do? These questions open the door to conversations about long-forgotten dreams and hidden passions.
- Be affirming. Tell them about the qualities you admire that they might overlook. Maybe it’s how they stay calm under pressure or how they make strangers feel at ease. Hearing it from you can be incredibly affirming.
- Be present. Growth can happen in any moment, big or small. Whether it’s cheering them on during a work presentation or encouraging them to explore a hobby, your encouragement and attention to their potential tells them, “I’ve got your back, and I believe in you.”
2. Chisel With Care
Have you ever tried to help your partner with something and ended up making them feel criticized instead? It happens to all of us. But, a sculptor doesn’t hack away at the marble—they use precise, careful movements. The same goes for relationships—your words and actions should have that same finesse.
Encouraging your partner’s growth should feel uplifting, not critical. Even well-meaning feedback can feel like judgment if it’s not delivered with care and intention. The goal here is to help your partner shed self-doubt, not to feel like they’re being “fixed.” With encouragement and patience, you can be a steady source of support that helps them confidently pursue their aspirations.
Research shows that more nurturing and action-oriented support from partners leads to greater success in self-improvement and higher relationship satisfaction, as opposed to criticism and invalidation from partners, which can hinder progress.
Here’s how to encourage them with care:
- Celebrate the effort, not just the outcome. If your partner is learning something new or working on a goal, let them know you see their progress. Say things like, “I’m so impressed by how much time you’re putting into this,” instead of waiting to applaud the final result.
- Ask before offering help. Instead of jumping in with advice, try, “How can I support you?” This keeps it collaborative and avoids stepping on toes.
- Be patient. Growth is messy and takes time. Maybe they’re not moving as fast as they think they should, but remind them that that’s okay. Your patience says, “I trust you to figure this out in your own time.”
3. Sculpt As A Team
The Michelangelo Effect isn’t a one-sided process. Relationships thrive when both partners are invested in supporting each other’s personal development. Think of it as two sculptors working side by side, each refining their own masterpiece while contributing to the overall beauty of the relationship.
When you work as a team, you create a safe, dynamic space where personal and mutual goals can coexist. It’s not just about individual growth; it’s about building something greater together.
Here’s how you can “sculpt” each other as a team:
- Set shared goals. Whether it’s taking a dance class together, planning a dream vacation or committing to a healthier lifestyle, having a joint project can make you feel more connected.
- Check in with each other. Life moves fast and it’s easy to lose sight of what’s inspiring your partner these days. Take a moment to ask, “What’s been lighting you up lately?” You might discover something new about them.
- Celebrate each other’s wins. When your partner achieves something, don’t just pat them on the back—celebrate like it’s your win, too. Order takeout, pop some champagne or just take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come together.
4. Chip Away At Assumptions
How often do you find yourself thinking, “I know my partner inside-out”? It’s tempting to assume that after a few years, there’s nothing new to discover—but that’s where we get stuck. People change. Interests evolve. Dreams shift. If you stop being curious about your partner, you might miss out on seeing the amazing person they’re becoming.
Here’s how to keep discovering new things about each other, no matter how long it’s been:
- Ask open-ended questions. Research suggests that curious people feel closer to their conversation partners, even during small talk, whereas less curious people only experience closeness when the conversation involves structured relationship-building activities. So go beyond the usual “How was your day?” and dig deeper. Try questions like, “If you could start a new hobby tomorrow, what would it be?” or “What’s something you’ve been thinking about doing but haven’t shared yet?”
- Embrace change. Growth means change, and that’s a good thing. If your partner starts exploring new hobbies or goals, lean into it instead of clinging to the old version of them.
- Reconnect regularly. Life’s demands can pull you in different directions, so make time to intentionally reconnect and maintain an accurate understanding of one another. Plan a date night where you try something new or just sit down and have a heart-to-heart about where you’re at.
In essence, the Michelangelo Effect isn’t just about feeling love—it’s about turning that love into a powerful, transformative force that helps you both become the best versions of yourselves.
Do you and your partner share a “growth mindset” about your life’s goals and dreams? Take this science-backed test to find out: Growth Mindset Scale
