2 ‘Necessary Lies’ Every Loving Relationship Needs, By A Psychologist

1. Prosocial Lies

One of the most common forms of dishonesty in romantic relationships is the “prosocial lie”: a lie that, in the grand scheme of things, is ultimately positive in that it promotes social acceptance and cohesion.

In a 2026 study published in The Journal of Social Psychology, researchers explored how people in romantic relationships feel about hearing prosocial lies from their partner. The authors of the study found that, although honesty remains important overall, many individuals actually preferred comforting or reassuring dishonesty over the harsh truth in certain situations. This was especially true for participants who felt that their relationship was strained.

Interestingly, researchers also found that people with lower relationship satisfaction were more likely to prefer prosocial lies. Partly, this is because they perceived blunt truths as emotionally harmful. This shows that when a relationship is in a vulnerable state, emotional cushioning proves especially valuable.

This makes intuitive sense, as relationships are not merely systems of information exchange. Partners must constantly regulate one another’s sense of security and confidence — and, once in a while, that means softening reality.

Take “compliment buffering,” for example. Imagine your partner has spent hours cooking an elaborate dinner specially for you. The meal turns out fine — it’s not terrible, but it’s not particularly memorable either. A fully transparent response might sound like, “Honestly, it was a little bland.” Is this answer technically truthful? Yes. Is it helpful? Probably not.

In many cases, saying, “That was delicious! Thank you for putting so much effort into spoiling me,” would serve the relationship much better than the truth. Because, in this scenario, the goal isn’t for you to start a career as a food critic; your partner likely isn’t asking you solely for an objective evaluation of the food. They are asking whether their efforts and affection have landed as well as they hoped it would.

The same principle applies to questions about a partner’s appearance. If they ask you something like, “Do I look okay in this outfit?” most people understand that the question isn’t an invitation for you to audit their current outfit in relation to the entirety of their wardrobe. More often than not, it’s a simple request for reassurance.

Similarly, expressing excitement over a gift you probably wouldn’t have chosen for yourself can also function as a prosocial lie. Rejecting the gift too honestly would overshadow the thoughtfulness behind it. In these moments, preserving warmth matters much more than precise accuracy.

Of course, prosocial lies can certainly become unhealthy when they consistently serve to conceal major incompatibilities or prevent honest communication. For instance, telling your partner that you love a lifestyle that secretly makes you miserable is not kindness; that’s just avoiding a necessary conversation.

But in moderation, these small acts of emotional buffering play a very important, invisible role in a relationship’s smooth function. They represent a core tenet that should be prioritized in any loving relationship: that feelings matter more than either partner’s need to be technically correct.

2. Protective Lies

Another category of “necessary” dishonesty involves “protective lies”: lies that are told in the hopes of shielding partners from unnecessary emotional harm.

In a 2025 study published in Personal Relationships that examines dishonesty in romantic relationships, researchers found that people most commonly described their lies as protective in nature. These lies typically fell into one of two categories: either partner-protective lies or self-protective lies.

While the latter forms of lie largely function by making partners feel good, these lies serve to prevent partners from feeling bad. These are the kinds of deceptions that revolve around emotional regulation, rather than manipulation. They help couples avoid turning every fleeting irritation, insecurity or comparison into something that may result in a relationship-threatening discussion.

For instance, many partners have small gripes or annoyances with habits that are annoying at worst, but far from an outright red flag — like a partner that chews somewhat loudly, leaves cabinet doors open or hums constantly while working. If you were to highlight every one of these minor inconveniences with complete honesty, then daily life would soon become emotionally exhausting.

Instead, most couples will opt for selective silence. They smooth over these small irritations because they’ve learned firsthand that love requires a certain degree of patience and tolerance. Constant correction only makes for an atmosphere of surveillance and nitpickiness.

Similarly, people often tell protective lies around privacy and emotional boundaries. Suppose your partner shared something embarrassing months ago during a vulnerable moment. Later, when the topic resurfaces, you might pretend not to remember every detail because demonstrating perfect recall could feel intrusive or weaponized.

These lies preserve dignity. If you were to recall all of their embarrassing or upsetting moments with perfect accuracy every time, they’d likely feel more exposed than supported.

And most notably, protective lies will even appear in romance itself. For example, you might have told your partner, “I’ve never felt this way before,” even though you’ve experienced deep love in a past relationship. While, strictly speaking, the statement may not be fully true, emotionally, it still reflects something real: your desire to communicate just how singular and meaningful this relationship is to you.

Romantic bonds thrive partly because couples create a shared narrative of uniqueness around their connection — which is something that most intelligent people know and understand on an internal level. You wouldn’t tell your partner, “Actually, this feels somewhat comparable to my relationship three years ago.” While this might be a more accurate statement, it’s also a statement that totally undermines the relationship itself.

It’s worth emphasizing that protective lies differ vastly from deception. Deception is used to evade responsibility, manipulate a partner or conceal betrayal. Hiding infidelity, financial dishonesty or chronic disrespect are not, by any stretch of the imagination, “necessary lies.” Healthy protective lies are typically temporary and emotionally motivated rather than self-serving. They mitigate friction without distorting reality in a way that fundamentally alters consent or trust.

Ultimately, a successful relationship demands more than just honesty alone. Kindness, restraint, tact and emotional intelligence will, on the odd occasion, outprioritize full transparency. Because, sometimes, preserving intimacy means recognizing that being loving and being completely unfiltered are not always the same thing.

Curious about the kinds of lies you’re most psychologically prone to telling — whether prosocial, protective, self-enhancing or avoidant? You can take my science-inspired Liar Archetype Test to uncover your unique deception style and what it reveals about your relationships.