Lindsey Witmer Collins is the Founder and CEO of WLCM App Studio, an award-winning software design and development agency.
I am the mother of two young children, and I don’t like being the bad guy.
At the same time, my 6-year-old has already expressed the desire for a phone, and for Roblox, a social media onramp for the youngest. I’m not looking forward to these sorts of requests growing in urgency. I know many parents of older children who are deep in the trenches of social media battles, and it’s a complicated jungle.
Whether we think social media is good or bad writ large hinges on our personal experience of it. I’ve written a lot on how the social media landscape got to where it is. For me, the data is in on the negative aspects, but amid the risks lie opportunities for connection, interests and learning.
It can feel like we’re facing a drastic choice:
- Protect our kids from the social media wilderness, but risk them feeling left out and digitally inept.
- Turn them loose into that wilderness, come what may.
We don’t force binary choices upon ourselves with other parenting decisions. Not driving, not candy, not curfews, not hanging out with friends. We create a middle ground for ourselves and our kids that feels realistic and reasonable.
We can do that with social media, too.
Age-Gating
Though social media companies age-gate their platforms to those aged 13 and older, the controls to enforce or verify the user are laughable.
The U.S. Surgeon General released an advisory on social media last year that found nearly 40% of U.S. children aged 8-12 use social media. The report outlines how adolescents from 10-19 undergo a sensitive period of brain development in which they form their sense of identity and self-worth, their impulse control and emotional regulation, and sensitivity to rewards and punishments.
The report says that frequent, problematic social media usage creates changes in brain structure similar to changes seen in those with substance use and gambling addictions.
We age-gate everything in this country from driving to cigarettes to movies to military service. It helps ensure the consumer can adequately understand the risks and responsibilities of whatever they’re doing.
I’m in favor of legislation that makes algorithmic social media illegal for kids under a certain age. This would eliminate the FOMO of some kids having it while others don’t. The susceptibility of kids to this kind of pressure underscores the reasons they’re vulnerable in the first place to exploitative algorithms, influencers and so forth.
Grassroots campaigns like Wait Until 8th encourage parents to wait until their kids reach or pass eighth grade before giving them a smartphone. Some lawmakers are pressing for age 16.
The choice is up to you. But you do have a choice in your own home, and you have a vote, too.
Not-So-Smart Phones
Parents often push back with, “How will my kids contact me in an emergency?”
Social media access is not intrinsic to cell phone access or internet access.
Though your child will probably weep and gnash their teeth when you present them with anything less than the latest iPhone, a device that can only talk, text and track is a perfectly reasonable option compared to a supercomputer pointed directly at their brain.
Among some, “dumb phones” are becoming fashionable.
Consider how hard it is for adults to manage smartphone addiction. Imagine this challenge for a teenager, whose brain chemistry around impulse control and reward systems is in flux.
No Phones At School
When smartphones became widely adopted by school-aged kids (perhaps circa 2012), schools were caught on the back foot. Teachers and administrators found themselves outmatched by the volume of phones, the willpower of kids to manage their use, and the lack of parental reinforcement.
An advantage we have over our own parents is that the cons of social media aren’t abstract. We’re struggling with them ourselves, too.
Meanwhile, schools have seen test scores decline and teachers burn out due to the day-in, day-out battle over phones.
Many are working to put the horse back in the barn. Several state legislatures are formulating laws that restrict phones in schools. Some school districts aren’t waiting, like one district in Mississippi that adopted Yondr pouches into which each student deposits their cell phones at the beginning of each day.
Reasonable Exchanges
“The difference between poison and medicine is in the dose.” – Paracelsus
If and when you give your child access to a smartphone and social media, consider doing it conditionally. Having them turn in their phone at night or requiring them to finish their chores or homework before receiving access are important speedbumps that give your kid a break. Consider disallowing phones at the dinner table, both in the house and out in public.
If you allow your kids to have a social media profile, you might start by only allowing them access through your phone to retain more control.
Keys To Success
I applaud the legislation at the state and school district levels, and imposing a few mitigations at the household level, too, will help produce happier, more capable children.
A few other details to consider:
• Kids know they’re being preyed on. The Surgeon General’s advisory shows nearly 3 in 4 teens believe technology companies manipulate users to spend more time on their devices. A third of kids report being online constantly. Talk to your kids. They know if they feel bad. Helping them make the connection can foster buy-in.
• Get other parents on board. Kids are more willing to pump the brakes on social media if their peers do, too. Coordinate with other parents to normalize phone limits.
• Take your own medicine. Nearly half of teens say their parent is sometimes distracted by their phones when they’re trying to talk to them. The less they see you on your phone, the better.
When it comes to social media, we can establish boundaries that give our kids a fighting chance against the smartphone slot machines that rob them of some of the best parts of childhood. In this one thing, it feels like we’re all in this together.
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