When you think of someone who’s good at managing their money, you might picture a be-suited person reviewing their stock portfolio, shuffling funds between accounts with Vulcan-like detachment. You might imagine someone who has always been good at it, free from emotional baggage around spending and saving. But that doesn’t have to be true. Anyone can heal their relationship with money — though it requires more emotional work than you might expect.
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For Tori Dunlap, the entrepreneur behind Her First 100k, author of “Financial Feminist,” and host of the Financial Feminist podcast, achieving financial success means unpacking your relationship with money. And unpacking your relationship with money means going back to your earliest memories around money.
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Dunlap’s earliest money memories are positive. On her podcast, she recalled being a theater kid obsessed with the musical Annie. When the show came to her town, she begged her parents for tickets. They told her that was fine, as long as she saved up enough money for her ticket.
Young Dunlap was so excited to save every cent she could, dreaming of the day she’d watch the lights come up on stage. However, on their way to the show, she realized she’d left her money at home. She was distraught, thinking that they’d have to turn back. Fortunately, her parents had no interest in giving her a hard-knock life. Even though she didn’t have her money with her — and her piggy bank wouldn’t have truly covered the cost of the show — they took her anyway.
The lesson wasn’t really about saving enough to cover the cost of a Broadway production, it was about learning to save for the things she wanted. She saw that if she was willing to work and save, she could achieve her goals.
Of course, not everyone has such loving early memories around money. Dunlap acknowledged this, adding that some early memories — such as hearing your parents fight about money or going without necessities — can convince you that your lot in life is to struggle with money. If you think your story with money is defined by hardship, you might find yourself unconsciously re-enacting patterns that affirm that belief.
Your parents are the first people who teach you how to handle money — even if it’s only by example. While Dunlap benefitted from parents who handled money responsibly and encouraged her to do the same, not everyone can say that.
If your parents were prone to overspending or missing payments, you might model the same behavior. Conversely, you might become so conservative about saving that you avoid taking even healthy risks, like investing, that could grow your wealth.
Understanding how your family’s financial management style, or lack thereof, has shaped your behavior can help you identify and change unproductive habits. When seeking a financial advisor, look for a professional with experience helping people navigate financial trauma.
These professionals are becoming more common. You can search for trauma-informed financial counselors online or use resources like the Financial Therapy Association to find someone who you feel comfortable working with.
Dunlap encouraged listeners to explore their relationship with money by following a structured journal prompt: Reflect on how your first money memory impacted you. Ask yourself if you manage money the same way your family did.
From there, you can start a broader money diary. Whether you prefer to use your phone or go old-school with a notebook, write down every single purchase you make over two weeks. Dunlap insisted that you truly record every purchase. After listing the total for each item or experience, describe how it made you feel. Use words, emojis or even drawings — anything that articulates how you feel about what you’ve bought.
Starting this journal will not only bring greater clarity to your spending habits, but it will also reveal the emotional urges they fulfill.
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Tapping into your earliest money memories might not be the easiest thing to do, but it can help you understand the experiences that have shaped your financial behaviors. According to Tori Dunlap, unpacking those memories and unraveling family patterns around finances can help you heal your relationship with money and set yourself on a path to financial well-being.
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This article originally appeared on GOBankingRates.com: Tori Dunlap: How Unlocking Your First Money Memory Can Help You Get Better With Money
