Drs. John and Julie Gottman are often referred to as the “Einsteins of love” — and for good reason, too. Their dedication to the field of relationship research is unprecedented. For decades, they’ve studied thousands of couples, carefully observing the habits, communication patterns and emotional reactions that separate healthy, lasting relationships from unhappy ones.
What made the Gottmans’ work so revolutionary was that they didn’t rely on vague theories or romantic ideals. They quantified relationships in exquisite detail. Mapped them. Identified patterns so reliably that they can predict divorce with stunning accuracy. Over the years, their research has taught us that strong relationships are built with daily acts of kindness, repeated consistently over time.
In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review titled “The Natural Principles of Love,” the Gottmans summarized over four decades of their finest relationship research. Here are ten of the most important lessons his research has taught us about love, according to the study.
Love Lesson #1: Always Turn Toward
One of the Gottmans’ most famous concepts is the idea of a “bid for connection,” which refers to any attempt your partner makes to gain your attention, affection, support or emotional engagement.
Sometimes, these bids are obvious, like one partner asking, “Can we talk?” But most of the time, they’re subtle, like:
In healthy relationships, partners consistently “turn toward.” Turning toward simply means responding with interest, warmth, or engagement. For instance, if your partner says, “Look at that sunset,” turning toward would sound something like, “Wow, that’s beautiful.”
It sounds small because it is small. But according to the Gottmans’ research, relationships are often built or damaged in these tiny moments. When partners repeatedly turn toward one another, they affirm that their inner worlds matter to one another. Over time, this creates emotional safety — the foundation of intimacy.
Love Lesson #2: Don’t Turn Away
Turning away happens when a bid for connection is ignored, dismissed or met with indifference. For example, imagine you tell your partner, “I’m a little nervous about tomorrow.” Turning away would look like them continuing to scroll on their phone, absentmindedly responding with something like, “You’ll be fine.” Technically, they responded. But emotionally, they didn’t.
Everyone is guilty of turning away on the odd occasion; stress, exhaustion and distraction are part of life. But when turning away becomes habitual, relationships begin to feel emotionally lonely.
This is one of the more painful realities the Gottmans’ work uncovered: the couples who struggle most usually start off simply as disconnected. Their bids for connection keep going unanswered until they become distant. Over time, repeated turning away teaches a partner, whether intentionally or not, that their feelings aren’t a priority. And once that belief settles in, it takes a concerted effort to reverse.
Love Lesson #3: Never Turn Against
Turning against is more damaging than turning away because it involves responding to a bid for connection with irritation, hostility, criticism or contempt.
Imagine, for example, that your partner says, “I missed you today.” Turning against would be to respond with malice or meanness, like, “Well, maybe if you weren’t so clingy, you’d survive a few hours without me.” It could also be implied or even non-verbal, such as sarcasm, eye-rolling or mockery.
The Gottmans’ research consistently identified contempt — the belief that you are superior to your partner — as one of the greatest predictors of divorce. Turning against often carries traces of contempt within it.
The reason this is so damaging is that it directly attacks emotional vulnerability. Bids require openness, so when that vulnerability is met with hostility, people will be less inclined to reach out again. The beginning of the end happens once partners stop emotionally reaching for each other altogether.
Love Lesson #4: Build A Love Map
The Gottmans describe healthy relationships as having detailed “love maps.” A love map is your mental understanding of your partner’s internal world: their fears, stresses, goals, memories, preferences, insecurities, dreams and so on.
Most assume that love maps matter most at the beginning of relationships, and lose their salience as time goes on. But in reality, they become even more important over time because people constantly evolve. If that sense of curiosity disappears, then it’s possible for a partner who knew everything about you five years ago to barely know who you are today.
A strong love map looks like knowing:
- What currently stresses your partner out most
- What they secretly worry about for the future
- What goals they’re most excited for
- What past wounds still affect them today
In practice, this means asking questions and committing to being curious about one another, long after the honeymoon phase ends. Couples who make sure their love maps are as up-to-date as possible tend to navigate conflict more effectively because they understand the emotional context behind each other’s behavior.
Love Lesson #6: Make Deposits Into Your Emotional Bank Account
The Gottmans often use the metaphor of “emotional bank accounts” to discuss relationships. In short, the account balance is a reflection of the emotional atmosphere that partners share.
It’s relatively self-explanatory. Positive interactions act as deposits. Every time you offer one of the following to your partner, you’re effectively investing in the account:
- Kindness
- Affection
- Support
- Gratitude
- Encouragement
- Attention
Unlike finances, depositing into your emotional bank account is simple and doesn’t have to cost anything. It could be making your partner coffee in the morning, sending a thoughtful text, hugging them after a difficult day or telling them how grateful you are for them.
These moments may seem insignificant individually, but they accumulate over time. A relationship with a positive emotional balance becomes more resilient because partners feel fundamentally valued and cared for.
Love Lesson #7: Make Withdrawals Sparingly
Negative interactions are the equivalent of making a withdrawal from the emotional bank account:
- Criticism
- Dismissiveness
- Hostility
- Neglect
- Unnecessary harshness
A withdrawal might look like snapping at your partner unnecessarily, being emotionally unavailable, breaking trust or dismissing their feelings. Moments like these are bound to crop up; sometimes, you have a bad day, or a bad mood gets the better of you. Conflict, stress, misunderstandings and emotional mistakes are unavoidable parts of intimacy.
The problem arises when withdrawals vastly outnumber deposits. Excessive withdrawals create emotional debt. Partners begin operating from a place of defensiveness rather than goodwill.
The Gottmans’ research suggests that stable relationships must maintain a strong ratio of positive to negative interactions, particularly during conflict. In other words, moments of warmth, humor, validation or affection need to outnumber moments of hostility or annoyance.
Love Lesson #8: Avoid Emotional Flooding
Emotional flooding occurs when conflict becomes so overwhelming that you essentially shift into survival mode. This primarily starts within your body, physiologically, and affects your emotions in turn:
- Heart rate increases
- Stress hormones surge
- Listening deteriorates
- Defensiveness skyrockets
Once flooded, partners will struggle immensely when trying to process conversations rationally. They become focused on self-protection rather than understanding. You can usually recognize flooding when arguments suddenly feel impossible to manage. One or both partners may begin:
- Shutting down completely
- Yelling impulsively
- Becoming highly defensive
- Misinterpreting neutral comments as attacks
The Gottmans have found that conflict discussions become largely unproductive once flooding occurs. This is why healthy couples often pause arguments instead of forcing themselves to “figure it out” when, clearly, neither of them is thinking straight. The goal is to prevent conflict from escalating to the point where productive communication becomes impossible.
Love Lesson #9: Accept Influence
Accepting influence means allowing your partner’s thoughts, feelings, needs, and perspectives to genuinely affect your decisions and behavior. For example, if your partner says, “I feel overwhelmed doing all the household responsibilities alone,” accepting influence might sound like, “You’re right. I haven’t been helping enough. Let’s figure out a better system.”
It requires humility. It requires emotional flexibility. It requires seeing your partner as an equal rather than an opponent. And sometimes, it requires a little reading between the lines — not having to be told what to do or how to help, but simply figuring it out yourself.
People who resist influence often become rigid, dismissive or controlling during conflict. They treat compromise as weakness instead of collaboration. But relationships cannot thrive when only one person’s perspective consistently matters. Lasting intimacy demands respect for one another’s time and efforts, and accepting influence is one of the clearest expressions of it.
Love Lesson #10: Accept Repair Attempts
The Gottmans argue that failed repair attempts are often more detrimental than conflict itself. A repair attempt is any effort to de-escalate tension and reconnect emotionally during or after conflict. This can look like:
- Making a joke to lighten the mood
- Expressing understanding for the other’s perspective
- Reaching for your partner’s hand
- Apologizing sincerely
- Admitting partial responsibility
- Suggesting a pause before things worsen
Importantly, these repairs can only work if both partners are willing to recognize and accept them. One of the most damaging things couples can do is reject every attempt at reconciliation because they’re too committed to “winning” the argument.
By contrast, the strongest relationships see reconnection as the true “win.” And in many ways, that may be the central lesson running through all of the Gottmans’ work: successful relationships look like two people consistently choose kindness over spite, no matter how hard it is.
If you’re curious about the current health of your own relationship, you can take my science-backed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to better understand your relationship strengths, emotional connection and areas for growth.
