Breakups rarely come completely out of the blue. Even when someone in a relationship insists that their partner left “without warning,” a closer look often reveals that the warning signs were there all along. The trouble is that these signs aren’t always easy to spot right away.
Thankfully, decades of psychological research have helped identify some of the clearest indicators that a relationship is in trouble. On their own, these behaviors are concerning, but not necessarily fatal in isolated instances. Many couples experience them at some point and successfully work through them. But if both of the following signs become persistent features of a relationship, they can indicate deeper problems that threaten its long-term survival.
1. Arguing About The Same Things In The Relationship
Contrary to popular belief, conflict itself is not a death sentence for a relationship. In fact, disagreements are a normal and necessary part of any close partnership. Two people with different personalities, habits, needs and expectations are inevitably going to frustrate one another from time to time. That’s why healthy relationships are often defined in terms of how willing partners are to address problems and work through them together.
The issue arises when the same disagreements keep resurfacing over and over again, without ever reaching a meaningful resolution.
Imagine a couple who argue every Friday night because one partner consistently stays out later than expected. The other partner has repeatedly explained why this behavior upsets them. They feel neglected, worry about their partner’s safety and wish there was better communication. Meanwhile, the partner staying out late has repeatedly explained their perspective as well. They value their independence and feel scrutinized whenever the issue comes up.
Both people understand the other’s position. Neither changes their behavior. The argument repeats itself the following week, then the week after that, and again the week after that. Nothing is solved. It’s this repetitive, cyclical nature of conflict that can be especially damaging to a relationship.
In a study published in Human Communication Research, researchers examined couples’ serial arguments (i.e., fights about the same unresolved issue that occur repeatedly over time), and found that serial arguing was associated with relationship difficulties.
Notably, the negative impact of serial arguing was particularly pronounced when it involved a pattern known as demand-withdraw communication. This occurs when one partner pushes for discussion through complaints, criticism, demands or nagging, while the other withdraws, avoids the conversation or shuts down.
Importantly, the researchers found that these patterns were linked to a range of negative outcomes, including intrusive thoughts about the conflict, attempts to suppress those thoughts, heightened emotional arousal and disruptions to everyday functioning.
Their findings also demonstrate that the harm caused by serial arguments isn’t just the issue at hand in itself. Rather, it stems from the dysfunctional communication patterns used to discuss it, which eventually become embedded within those discussions.
This explains why constantly arguing about the same thing is such a troubling sign. Repeated conflict often signals that both partners are fully aware of a problem, yet neither is taking the steps necessary to address it. Sometimes that happens because the issue is genuinely difficult to solve. Other times, one or both partners have stopped investing the effort required to find a compromise.
Either way, the relationship becomes trapped in a cycle where problems are discussed but never resolved, which dims partners’ hope for eventual change or resolution. Partners begin to see conflict as something inevitable that they’ll have to endure so long as the relationship goes on, rather than something that can lead to positive change. And when that happens, the relationship’s foundations begin to weaken.
2. Contempt Becoming The Default Mode Of Communication In The Relationship
Psychologists define contempt as a powerful feeling of disrespect toward another person or the belief that they are inferior, worthless or beneath consideration. Within romantic relationships, contempt can be especially destructive because it attacks the very sense of value and acceptance that intimate partnerships are supposed to provide.
What makes contempt particularly insidious is that it isn’t always obvious. Most people assume contempt looks like openly saying, “I hate you” or “I can’t stand you.” Sometimes it does. But more often than not, it manifests in much subtler forms that can easily be dismissed as harmless jokes or momentary irritation.
For instance, contempt most commonly shows up in the form of:
- Sarcastic remarks intended to belittle a partner
- Mocking or mimicking them during disagreements
- Eye-rolling, scoffing or sneering
- Name-calling and insults
- Dismissive laughter
- Talking down to or patronizing a partner as though they are incompetent
- Humiliating them in front of others
- “Jokes” that contain a genuine element of disrespect or hostility
Each of these behaviors communicates the same underlying message of condescension, even if it isn’t said outright. And that’s what ultimately causes the most devastation to a relationship.
In a renowned 2004 study published in Family Processes, pioneering relationship researchers John Gottman and Robert Levenson investigated whether certain emotional behaviors displayed during marital conflict could predict future divorce.
They observed heterosexual couples during conflict discussions, and afterward, they examined which behaviors distinguished couples who remained married from those who eventually divorced. One of the strongest predictors they identified was contempt.
More specifically, a husband’s displays of contempt and disgust during conflict discussions predicted eventual divorce. The researchers found that these negative emotional expressions (alongside other related variables) predicted divorce with 82.6% accuracy based on a conflict conversation and 92.7% accuracy based on a subsequent positive conversation intended to assess the couple’s ability to recover from conflict.
The findings highlight just how quickly a relationship can unravel if contempt appears in a relationship and goes unaddressed. Rather than viewing each other as companions with a shared goal, they become opponents. In turn, respect gives way to superiority. Empathy gives way to judgment. Affection gives way to hostility.
But perhaps the most troubling aspect of contempt is that it often emerges when long-time resentments are left unaddressed. By the time eye-rolls, mockery and disdain become a default mode of communication, it’s likely that the underlying emotional connection has already greatly diminished.
That said, this doesn’t mean that recovery is impossible. There are many couples who successfully rebuild respect and improve their communication once they recognize harmful patterns. But that also means that contempt can never be ignored or brushed aside as harmless banter; it needs to be called out and addressed immediately. Because as soon as respect goes by the wayside, a relationship will have a much lowered chance of survival.
What’s your biggest relationship red flag? Take my science-inspired Relationship Red Flag Test to find out.
