Stan Kos is CEO of YouMatch.
As business leaders, we often like to believe that our decisions are driven by logic and common sense. In my view, this is one of the greatest misconceptions, especially among those who consider themselves highly rational and pragmatic.
We are all born with unique traits, and depending on our nervous system, we become more or less aware of how emotions influence our choices. More precisely, emotions—combined with our worldview and unconscious behavioral patterns—shape the reality we experience.
When I launched my first company in 2014, a platform that enabled people to buy digital assets with bank cards, I was convinced that my primary motivation was financial success. At the same time, I was working at a venture capital fund, typically from 7 a.m. until midnight. To give my body at least some recovery time, I commuted by bicycle—about 50 minutes each way.
I genuinely enjoyed that lifestyle. I believed that such dedication and persistence would eventually lead to significant wealth.
Imagine my surprise when I purchased the seventh car in my small collection and realized that, despite achieving many of my goals, I was overwhelmed by anxiety. Over time, I began to understand that what I had truly been pursuing was not more money, but greater freedom to be myself.
What I was seeking was permission to fully experience the entire spectrum of human emotions, regardless of whether the mind labeled them as good or bad.
Why Leaders Confuse Emotions For Reality
One of the most common leadership mistakes is underestimating the power of emotions and the unconscious mind. We like to say that our decisions are based on facts, yet in reality, most decisions are emotional long before they become rationalized.
What is even more dangerous are the conclusions we draw from emotional reactions. A rejected investor pitch becomes “The market doesn’t believe in us.” A missed deadline becomes “The team is disengaged.” A lost client becomes “Our strategy is failing.”
In each case, an emotional response quietly transforms into what appears to be an objective fact.
This is why an important leadership skill is the ability to distinguish genuine emotions from what I call an emotional meaning unit (EMU), the meaning we unconsciously assign to an emotional trigger and then mistake for objective reality.
During the early stages of my company, for example, the data contradicted our hypothesis and what our users told us. My first response, the EMU, was: “Our matching algorithm isn’t accurate enough.” However, after investing time on improving the algorithm, I realized the algorithm wasn’t the problem, but that our users’ unconscious behavior was different than their stated preferences. By recognizing this, we shifted focus from the algorithm to helping users understand the patterns shaping their choices, which fundamentally reshaped the product.
Because many leaders try to move as quickly as possible from emotion to facts, they often become trapped inside these EMUs and make flawed decisions based on assumptions rather than evidence.
How To Step Back From Emotions
Paradoxically, in my experience, the path toward more rational decision-making begins with acknowledging emotions rather than ignoring them.
Before analyzing data, events or possible courses of action, it is worth asking a simple question: What am I feeling right now? Fear? Anxiety? Anger? Resentment? Guilt?
Once we identify the emotion, we can spend a few minutes simply observing it in the body while maintaining calm, steady breathing. No analysis. No judgment. Just awareness. Only then do we return to the facts and evaluate our options.
Because the emotion has already been recognized, we are far less likely to mistake it for reality. We can ask ourselves whether our decision is truly based on evidence—or whether it is being driven by fear, anger, disappointment or another feeling operating beneath our awareness. This creates a cleaner decision-making process.
With every significant and emotionally charged event, we become better at separating feelings from facts. And the more clearly we can make that distinction, the more effectively we can lead.
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