Love is often represented as a feeling or emotion that you passively experience, but this is simply untrue. Love is a ‘doing’ word. It’s a verb. A set of actions. A pattern of attention, repair and effort repeated over time. In other words, it’s a skill you actively develop.
Couples who treat love as something they either “have” or “don’t have” are usually the ones who end up saying things like, “I don’t know where it went wrong,” or “I’m not sure what, but something just… changed.” And in most cases, the feeling of love isn’t what changed — at least not at first. More likely, the act of love has.
Love, like anything you deem valuable in your life, requires some degree of protection. Passion and chemistry can certainly help sustain a relationship early on, but they’ll only take you so far; neither is powerful enough on its own to carry love indefinitely. What determines the health of a relationship over time is how two people behave when things are ordinary. It comes down to how you handle tension, misunderstandings and boredom.
Here are two such skills that can take a relationship from struggling to flourishing, according to psychological research.
1. Communication Skills
Just about everyone knows that communication is one of the most important aspects of a romantic relationship. It’s one of those buzzwords repeated so often that it starts to lose meaning. Yet ironically, ask anyone what good communication actually entails, and they’ll likely struggle to give you an answer.
In fairness, this is the case for most people, because communication isn’t a skill that we’re explicitly taught how to hone. Most of us learn it indirectly through trial and error, but without ever really definitively realizing what it takes. But thankfully, psychological researchers have spent decades attempting to conceptualize “good communication.”
While there isn’t an exhaustive guide, there is at least a general consensus regarding certain elements that contribute to it. A 2018 review published in the Journal of Psychology in Africa synthesized findings on marital communication and identified several consistent communication patterns linked most closely to high relationship satisfaction.
Ultimately, the authors outline five primary patterns of communication. And for couples who consistently have trouble “talking things through,” the absence of at least one of the five patterns below (if not more) is usually what’s to blame:
- Everyday communication activities. This includes casual conversation, small talk, light check-ins, and regular verbal and non-verbal signs of affection. These conversations may not be life-changing, but they’re essential for fostering a sense of closeness.
- Positive exchanges. This refers to any exchange where both partners successfully maintain a tone of respect and cooperation, which both people experience as constructive. This can be just about anything, whether a difficult topic or deciding what to have for dinner.
- Effective conflict management. The authors specifically note the ability to step back and reset during heated conversations (instead of escalating), using “we” language rather than framing issues as me-versus-you, as well as using structured turn-taking approaches where one person speaks while the other listens before responding.
- I-statements. For instance, being able to say, “I feel hurt when…” instead of, “You always…” or, “You never…” This skill is vital, as it makes it easier for both partners to stay engaged during difficult conversations without feeling as though they need to retreat or counterattack.
- Clarification. Refers to any form of communication that helps partners truly understand one another. This can sound as simple as checking, “Is this what you meant?” or reflecting on what you heard your partner say to ensure they feel accurately represented.
These five skills entail so much more than simply expressing yourself more clearly. They are instrumental in shaping partners’ emotional and psychological experience of their relationship.
It’s difficult to claim strong communication in a relationship if any one of these elements is absent from daily life. No one is exempt from practicing them — not new couples, and not couples who have been together for decades. If anything, long-term relationships require even more intentional communication than new ones to keep running smoothly, not less.
2. Active Listening Skills
Being able to convey your thoughts and feelings to your partner is just one half of the job. The other half is what happens when your partner is the one speaking, and you’re the one responsible for receiving what they are saying. Again, this is another skill that most take for granted: active listening.
Most of us have never been explicitly taught how to listen well; we’re simply corrected whenever we don’t. This is because listening is a skill that tends to go underappreciated, especially when it is done well.
Poor listening is easy to notice: the listener interrupts, looks distracted, changes the subject too quickly or responds in ways that feel dismissive. But when someone listens well, it often passes without comment — because, if anything, the point of good listening is that it shouldn’t be noticeable.
Thankfully, decades of psychological research have also helped clarify what “good listening” actually involves. According to a 2014 study from the International Journal of Listening, active listening is defined as “the process of receiving, constructing meaning from and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages.” The most important part of this definition is that listening is conceptualized as an active effort, rather than just passive hearing.
The authors of the study break down the process even further into three distinct but equally fundamental components:
- Showing visible engagement while the other person is speaking. This can include any small signal demonstrating that you’re paying attention to your partner, like nodding, maintaining eye contact or brief verbal cues. These behaviors may seem minor, but they’re very useful in communicating one’s presence. Without these gestures, your partner can only hope that you’re engaged.
- Withholding immediate judgment, then paraphrasing. This involves reflecting back what you’ve heard in your own words. This might sound like, “So, what I’m hearing is that…” or any statement, really, that demonstrates a personal understanding of what your partner has said. You don’t necessarily have to agree with what’s said, so long as your partner feels as though you have an accurate understanding of the matter. This ensures both of you are on the same page before the conversation moves forward.
- Asking thoughtful questions. This third and final step helps your partner expand on what they are saying, while also demonstrating that you’re genuinely interested in what they’ve told you. It doesn’t need to be an interrogation-style question. Gentle invitations for clarity work best, such as “What was that like?” or “Tell me more.” The key lies in showing that you’re eager to learn from the conversation.
What makes active listening so valuable in a relationship, beyond allowing partners to remain close and avoid unnecessary arguments, is that it instills a much-needed sense of psychological safety. If you trust that your partner will truly listen and absorb what you have to say, you’re much less likely to fear speaking your mind — something essential for creating a safe space, yet incredibly rare.
And this is precisely where communication and listening intersect as skills. Good communication is wasted in value if it isn’t received properly. A carefully expressed feeling means just about nothing if it’s met by a listener who’s distracted, defensive or just waiting for their turn to speak.
Regardless of whether the topic is something small — a story from work, a passing thought, a joke — or something dire to the health of your relationship, the same principle should always apply. Listening isn’t something reserved for crises. It should be a standard daily practice.
When one partner communicates, the other listens; this is the non-negotiable rule that you and your partner must take turns to uphold. If one of you is upset, the other has to listen to actually understand why before responding. And if one of you has something positive to share, the other must listen in order to share in that positivity, too. Good relationships, more than anything else, depend on both sides of these exchanges.
Think you’ve got good listening skills? Take this research-backed to find out how well you actually absorb, understand and respond to others: Active-Empathic Listening Scale
